Born to Goof

Comedy Routine
May 4, 2006


Hi, I’m Wayne. I’m a codependent and a nicotine addict.

(cup ear & motion to crowd to elicit the AA response)

Not many recovering alchys in this bar I guess.

***

I’m involved in 12 Step work…it’s kind of like dancing…

(eyes drift off in thought)

no…it’s nothing like dancing.

But I suck at that too. Could I get a beer?

Oh yeah…I quit drinking.

***

I’m here to support my literary mentor, Alliee. She’s a hoot.

I miss the writer’s group she hosts.

And every time I do they fine me five bucks! Brutal!

***

But really, I like to mess with words. (pause)

You can totally abuse them and they won’t say a thing.

***

But yeah, I like to switch words or letters around so they sound like something else.

Oh hey…ya wanna see my butt…belkel? ‘Butt Belkel’…‘Belt buckle’

(show buckle)

I got this ‘Keep On Truckin’’ one at the flea market.

***
Yeah, I’m an old hippy. That was a bummer too. My parents wouldn’t let me have long hair. Then when I could it all fell out.

***

When I was in high school my step-brother and I dropped acid and came up with a phrase that described how we were both feeling. The truth is we forgot how to talk. Our entire vocabulary leaked out of our heads except for 2 words: ‘ornery biscuit’. That’s all we could say. I think it laced with strychnine.

We were too pasted to really talk anyway…we just leaned against the wall of this church and watched a row of trees turn into a giant paisley dragon.

I guess nobody saw us. The pastor didn’t say anything about it in church that Sunday.